She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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