he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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