I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
