my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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