I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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