Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
not ubering you a puppy
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
