There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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