Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
