life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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