I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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