I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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