Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
