So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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