Jerry, you need to find god
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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