Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
