This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
