I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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