Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
