girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
