I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
