dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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