I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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