I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
