hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
