I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
