I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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