I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
