my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
