why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
