I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
