I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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