Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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