I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
