Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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