Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
