Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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