Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
