if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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