If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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