were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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