I want to make a zoo with you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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