i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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