I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
