I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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