Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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