do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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