how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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