I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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