Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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