I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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