perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
